The L word

My ex called me up the other day, confessing he has been thinking about me, what we have been through and all that jazz.

I thought I would feel something, you know, the welling up of emotions. I mean this is a long time coming and it's, well, good to know that you're being thought of fondly.

But I'm surprised I feel nothing. I don't know if this nothingness is a numbness or jadedness. The fact is, I don't feel anything.

I know for sure I'm not a cold-hearted person. Does this then mean I was never in love in the first place?

But you know, I did feel something for this man, which I had associated with love. Perhaps after all the things that have transposed between us, I felt betrayed - and good riddance.

But if you truly love someone, aren't you supposed to love him no matter what?

In restrospect, I realise I was perhaps in love with the notion of being in love. Our courtship was swift and the next thing we knew, we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together. But six months into the courtship, a voice within told me he was not the sort of man I originally set out to be in love with. Yet, I stuck it out for another year, which is partly due to my doggedness in 'working things out'.

Some people have hinted I'm choosy. But I just can't bring myself to settle down with someone for the sake of it. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not diminish it. If the latter's the case, well then I think I'm better off alone, thank you very much.

My ideal soulmate is a man, who displays lots of empathy towards me (not to be confused with sympathy). If he empathises with me, he'll take good care of my heart. I imagine us growing old and happy, knowing that even when I'm shrivelled at 60 and a sweet, exciting young thing comes his way, he'll say, "I'm sorry but my heart's already taken".

Does this sound too much like a grandeur idea of romance?

I need to be rescued.