I feel...

It's Sunday and it's really quiet (with no-one in the house). The sun is shining in, making the dust dance it its light. This is one of those moments when you catch yourself smiling.

It's incredible how things can change in such a short span of a few months - did I ever see it coming? Perhaps I did, but I refused to let it get in the way of living life and let it become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm at peace with the decision I had made then, in spite of the disappointment.

To celebrate the small things in life, here are the 10 things I love to 'feel':

1) Light rain shower pitter-pattering on my face, hands and neck

2) Being kissed lightly on the lips

3) Smoothing palms over satin

4) Stroking an almost clean-shaven head

5) A finger tracing down my back

6) Cool, gentle waves lapping over me

7) Kneading dough

8) Stroking animal's fur/feathers

9) Hands running through my hair

10) Rubbing palms together

Home is where the heart is...

The year has not wrapped up, but judging by how it has unfolded so far, it has been the most enriching year of my life.

It all began with my Italy trip in March. It was significant in many ways. Firstly, it marked that I have arrived - I feel empowered, having foot the bill and traverse - all on my own back(pack). The choices I've made has allowed me to live one of my two dreams, that is travelling (the other is writing for a living). I am, simply, happy.

Secondly, I fell in love. Not just with M, but with the country he was born in. Sure, a million other people probably feel the same way as I do after visiting Italy, but I'm convinced that I was probably an Italiana in another life. I love their slower pace of life, their passion for food as well as their work (be it a handy or desk job), their bond with family and friends, and of course, their old towns and countryside. These are the things that I value, and all these years, I've been trying ways and means to live some semblance of that life in city-centric Singapore.

I am at home in Italy. And then, I met M.

To be frank, I picked him to host me in Venice because he has my-type-of-guy looks. I thought, hey you're a single girl, let your hair down, throw caution to the wind, quit being prissy and have some fun for once. It turned out to be more than the holiday romance expected.

Fast forward to now. M left Singapore to return home just a few hours ago. I feel displaced after spending the past two whole weeks with him. Last night, we went to a rustic bar by the balmy beach. There was an acoustic band playing and I asked for Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight to be dedicated to him. He cried, then I cried, so we cried in each other's arms in the full view of the public, but we didn't care.

It felt real. And that's what matters to me.

For months, we had been holding ourselves back, not wanting to be swept up by the moment and having our heads in the clouds. We wanted to spend more time together, and find out the raw deal. Suffice to say, my best friend observed he's the male version of me. And we fought just like any other couple in a relationship.

At the airport today - after another round of tearful embrace - we bade each other with a presto (see you soon) instead of ciao (goodbye). I hope to make my way to Venice this Christmas, and I hope I can find some work in Italy in one year's time.

There's no reason for me to do otherwise, not when I feel at home in Italy. And with M. Never mind if it doesn't turn out to be forever. All I want to do is: live and let live.

Wow, this feels so strange. After so long, I'm able to log on. This is so random. Hmm maybe there's a bug in my pc.

Hurrah!

I'm jumping for joy! My leave has finally been approved. I'll be off to Italy for a two-week holiday in late March.

Things have gone off to a great start this year, and I'm thankful for it. I just got a promotion and have more say at work now. Our magazine is going for a revamp so there will be exciting times ahead. My leave application was left hanging in the past few weeks, but - phew- all that is more or less sorted.

I'm pleased to report that I've been enjoying better sleep these few days than I have in the past few weeks (due to being overworked, including freelance jobs, and bearing the thought of having my holiday held over till August, thanks to the revamp). I was told that I grind my teeth in my sleep, and once, I woke up to the sound of the grr-grr-grr coming from my mouth. This is the first time I have displayed the symptom of a condition called bruxism, and it affects people who are stressed, anxious and have the type A personality. It's not as serious as it sounds, except for the possibility of getting jagged teeth. Hope it goes away for good!

I'm really looking forward to the trip as I haven't gone on a proper long holiday in the past two years. Libero! I'm taking a "survival" Italian language lessons at the Italian Cultural Institute, and it's all going very well :)

My violin lessons are also going very well, and my instructor (a former lawyer and the same age as me) is very encouraging, praising me for getting my posture right by the second lesson and having a sense of rhythm, although I still have to work on my legato (bowing). I can now play Twinkle Twinkle Star, Lightly Bow, Song of the Wind and Go Tell Aunt Roddy fairly smoothly. Kiddy stuffs but hey, I'm a beginner! I also get to play with my instructor's three cats, one of which loves the sound of the violin (even my terrible playing!) and always park herself next to my feet (without budging from the spot, despite my accidental stepping on her tail occasionally).

Preparation for the trip is going great. Booked my flight earlier today. Made some contacts at couchsurfing.com, where natives offer to host you in their homes and take you around their city. Surprisingly, only the male ones replied. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but hey it's a leap of faith, and I can always check into a hostel if anyone tries anything funny.

This post is just an update of what's been going on over my side, and to sum it up: life has been kind to me.

Have many good days!

Double lives

Earlier in the day, I interviewed two mums, who got sick. One battled with breast cancer last year, at the age of 29, and the other battled with life-threatening ectopic pregnancy (where the embryo is lodged in a fallopian tube) at the age of 38.

It was my idea: to find out how ailing mums cope with their family life. I got hold of the two newsmakers through routine check with people on my contact list.

It's a tricky thing, talking to ill-stricken people. On one hand, you've to be sympathetic, which is not a problem because I'm a softie. On the other, you've to be distant, lest you get too emotionally involved.

There are the hard questions, and one of them is: how do you get back to your physical relationship with your husband, especially after you've lost your breast or baby? I am amazed at how coolly these women take up the question.

I know these are going to be great stories. But they are more than just stories to me: they give a sense of renewed strength. Of living, against the odds. It beats celebrity journalism, which I used to do, any day.

After a good day at work, I went clubbing with my gal pals. I danced, drank and even kissed a stranger, which earned me a remark: "You're so wild. How do you go from doing what you do in the day and to doing what you do at night?"

Yes, sometimes I feel like I lead double lives (like the women have felt at a point in their lives).
But you know what, the most important thing is: I'm living.

How To Be Good

How to be good

Just a few minutes ago I concluded the last page of the titular book by Nick Hornby – which I got for a steal at a book sale (never mind its brown stained condition). I suspect it had been my subconscious mind at work that led me to pick up the novel. It was a good read anyway.

I like to ask people if humans are born good or bad, and I’ve got mostly extreme views so far. But I don’t think humans are inherently good or bad. We’re both and that’s why we’re constantly battling to have good triumph over bad.

It’s the time of the year when many people take the time to reflect and introspect, and my one and only New Year Resolution is to make life more meaningful for (in this order): myself, my family and my friends. I don’t believe in saving the world; I believe in saving those who are dearest and closest to us (first). Just imagine, if everyone does that, wouldn’t that already make the world a better place to live in?

I want to do things that I enjoy; things that nourish my soul. So I had gone out to sign up for (in no order of merit) 1) a language class (starting with Italian), 2) a music class (violin; a childhood dream of mine), 3) continue my dance class (salsa, still) and 4) a reading programme for underprivileged children. I’m not ashamed to confess that I’m doing all these for me, me, me, because they will give me satisfaction and make me happy, yes, happy – not happier (there’s no such thing), just happy. These things are not bad; therefore I’m learning How To Be Good.

Things with my family are generally fine – of course, there could always be improvements. But I would hesitate to meddle in their affairs (like my brother’s volatile relationship with his girlfriend). You know about good intentions going awry? I would instead lend my support in small, little ways to let them know they are being valued and appreciated in a place they call home (like getting my brother’s army graduation photo framed up). As for my friends, the least I could do is to be there for them whenever they need my help (which also means having to reshuffle priorities at times). The reason many people fail to keep up with their list of New Year Resolutions is that they think they can accelerate from zero to 100. Bad idea.

The final thing I want to do differently this year is my relationship (or lack of). If it comes, it comes, and I’m going to quit whining about it.

So, there, all set and raring to go!

PS: Hurrah, I managed to post!

On my own

I have been home alone for nearly five days. My parents are away on a holiday in Thailand. And my brother is away on National Service (army).

The loneliness has begun to creep in, and I'm laughing at myself, because I've been entertaining the idea of moving out for some time now.

I've always taken pride in myself for being able to do solitary activities, like reading, swimming, walking, shopping, etc. But now it hasn't even been a week since I've been on my own and I'm already getting cold feet? How ironic.

I suppose you'll always need some time to adjust to a new arrangement. I suppose you need a good bunch of friends to keep you company. I could certainly do with more friends. But real good friends are hard to come by.

It's times like these when I think I need a boyfriend. And I am this close to making a phonecall to a certain someone. It irks me.

I know this may seem a little odd to some of you that I'm nearly 26 and still living under the same roof as my folks. But there's a perfectly reasonable explanation behind this: it's the Asian culture, in case you aren't aware.

To the experienced: how do you get used to living alone?