Most men are needy?
This entry is sparked off by something a fellow blogger, who goes by the moniker ArtSlob, brought up (read his comments on my Boobs Over Brains entry below).
He said something I've always suspected to be true - that most men would rather date a bumbling beauty queen than a self-assured superwoman (Artslob: I, too, think the well-endowed winner is hot. By the way, runway chest refers to the state of being flat-chested).
Apparently, most men go for the damsels in distress because of their predatory instincts and nose for vulnerability. I'd say these men are needy, because they need to feel needed, yes?
Sigh. I can't help but feel a swirling mix of resignation, melancholy and disappointment. I remember vividly what my ex-boyfriend said to me when we broke up half a year ago, "You don't need me. You're going to be fine".
I've had well-meaning girlfriends, who hinted that I should try to seem less capable and ask for his help, even though I can very well accomplish it myself, and stroke his ego a little. Unfortunately, I'm not the type who'll dance to anyone's tune.
The thing is, I do NEED a man - but just not in the way he would expect me to. I need a man to hold me, make love to me, make me laugh, make sweet, little gestures to make me smile and so on. Just love me, know what I mean? On the other hand, I also need a man because I've so much to give and I want to shower my affection on him and basically be there for him.
At times, when the loneliness gnaws at me, I find myself pondering: should I, as Artslob put it, dumb down a little?
Tell me your thoughts.
On a lighter note, as promised, these are patterns of Singapore men according to their ethnicity and age of 25 to 40. I wouldn't call myself an expert but well, I've dated quite a few...
Chinese men: They will buy you anything you want. Because they think that if they don't, you'll leave them. Their sense of self-worth is determined by how much they have in their banks. Often, they work so hard for their money, they have little time for anything else, including sex.
Malay men: They are easy to please and you'd better be so, too. Because they are always counting their blessings, they don't think it's necessary to work harder, get a better job and move ahead in life. Chances are, things will be preserved exactly the way they are 10 to 20 years down the road.
Indian men: They love women like their pets. They don't want you to "invite trouble" by putting on a sexy outfit or go on a girls' night-out. So, just stay at home and you can make them happy. And they WILL keep you at home because they never seem to need a break from a romp!
Caucasian expatriates: They think they are God's gift to Asian women. They expect all Asian women to be subservient. If you're not, they look at you as though there's something wrong with you. Best to play Suzie Wong with them.
posted by Amelia Earhart @ 2:52 pm
6 Comments:
I appreciate your style, content and honesty.
One thing about the dumbing down issue: don't do it. You aren't the problem - it's the men you meet. It's covenient shorthand to generalize as we do, but there are always exceptions.
Here's the Art Slob program for finding a good match:
1) Be physically approachable. Dress in a manner that is at least mildly alluring to men. Consider your non-verbal communication without being self-conscious about it.
2) Advertise. As you seem the rare bird that serious students on the subject of women will appreciate, you need to know that you exist. Get out there and go to some unconventional places to meet men. Your blog is one of many ways to do this. I've always felt that one of the best ways for a woman to promote herself is to host salons on the subjects of art, literature, philosophy, science.... Hosts need not be experts in such fields, bout encourage the discussion and create a space where all ideas have a home.
3) Become well-mannered. That is not to say you don't currently possess good manners, Amelia. Manners are a constant study, though, and require constant tending. (I'm rereading Lord Chesterfield's letters with great interest). Women have the capacity to destroy a man with a few words and men know it (their mothers often taught that lesson). The impeccible manners of a smart, stimulating woman overcomes the fear of humiliation in men, as 'to destroy is to be destroyed'. No worthy woman would stoop to such a thing. There is a grand European tradition of female salon hosts that marks the spirit of the best of all things in social life. Perhaps wherever you go is your salon. You have to power to make it so. It's up to you to take it.
Finally, and then I'll go. Be true to yourself. There are guys out there who'll think you're the cat's pajamas. Let them know your there in a charming way and they will come to you.
Aloha.
Let me second Art Slob's comment: Never, never dumb it down! Not for a man, not for a woman, not for a job.
I've had problems on all fronts. A woman I know once told me that I'd always have trouble with men, because they'll be intimidated by the fact that I can think. I figure, well, then it's worth holding out for the one who's not.
I agree with the above. I believe that you should be who you are and fake nothing because there will come a day when faking or pretending simply becomes no longer do-able. Be true to yourself and in time you will find someone who loves you just the way you are. I am personally counting on that to be true!!!
Funny - Before I met my husband, I had several friends tell me that I would never find a husband because I didn't "NEED A MAN." To me, that means I didn't have to settle for the wrong one. I still don't need a man, but it is nice to have a good one.
Art slob and Cue gal, thank you for your words of encouragement (read their comments on my Most Men Are Needy entry below).
I guess I've always known deep in my heart that I cannot pretend to be who I'm not. I think that somewhere out there there will be a man, who'll love and appreciate me just the way I am and not try to change me (maybe except the untidiness part).
As for getting myself out there, I'll work on it. I don't have trouble with the dressing and body language part. But I think I certainly have to work on what and how I say things to men (thanks for the heads up, Art Slob).
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